The Most Powerful Force in the Universe

Many years ago, during the worst of my teenage heartbreaks, my unrequited love’s best friend told me, “Desire is the second most powerful force in the universe.”

I didn’t think to ask her what THE most powerful force in the universe was.

I’ve thought about it since, many times, and come up with a variety of answers before settling on the one that made the most sense to me.

What do YOU think? What is the most powerful force in the universe? Post your answers and thoughts as comments.

Your humble scribe eagerly awaits your answers.

Failure and Success

As I find my way back to a firm footing, I look back over the past six or eight months, thankfully, on what I learned during a difficult time, and I marvel how some of the greatest truths in life are paradoxical.

Here’s the one that amazed me the most (past tense deliberately chosen: now I don’t understand how I could have missed it):

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not a sign of weakness; it is an act of wholeheartedness, and it is the only way to form authentic relationships: if you don’t allow someone to know who you really are, how can they possibly befriend . . . you?

Facing that prospect scared me to death, and I’m still not entirely used to it, but I found that I had to open up to someone about my deepest feelings, admitting my shortcomings, needs and fears – I needed advice and support of a sort that I never had before: not about what I needed to do but about who I was.

And I didn’t lose any friends.

On a slight tangent: It seems that we don’t have to be perfect in order to be happy; we just have to be authentic.

I’ve always been willing to extend understanding to others. I like to listen and to help: you can tell me anything: I have a real maternal streak – but I was not so eager to seek it for myself, at least not to the extent that I eventually did. I’m so grateful now that it was there when I needed it. I guess it always was: I just had to ask.

There are dozens of paradoxical truths in life if not zillions, and I will not try to catalogue them, but here’s one more that’s high on my list: the value of failure.

When we have done everything we can, exhausted all our reasonable options, and the answer is an unequivocal “No”, we gain an opportunity for growth like no other, even if it is cold comfort in the moment.

Failure is life’s way of letting us know that we’re doing something wrong: we have chosen the wrong goal or we are going about trying to achieve it in the wrong way: we’re stuck.

Failure unsticks us.

As long as we think that there’s a chance of success, we remain goal-oriented; when we fail, we are thrown back on ourselves. We think, “What did I do wrong?” We become “self-oriented, which is where the work needs to be done, the kind of learning that can lead to future success, whether it be in new situations or in another shot at what we thought that we had lost.

And if, in our self-examination, we become too hard on ourselves, as I was, we can turn to God, who does not judge us when we are already sitting in harsh judgement on ourselves. I’m no theologian, but i believe with my whole heart that when we are too hard on ourselves, God, if we let Him, is there to lift us up.

The Tao of Bird Poop

As I indicated in my last post, I’m just coming out of a difficult time, which I am obviously grateful for. I apologize for being vague on the details, but there were good reasons - I’m sure that you would understand.

Now, things are looking up; in fact, I can’t think of one thing that isn’t.

You know what it’s like when you realize that you have too many balls in the air, and you’re waiting for one or more or even all of them to drop? It’s not a pleasant feeling, but in the end, I got a nice surprise: to continue the metaphor, some of those balls indeed dropped, but rather than bouncing and rolling away, forever lost, they bounced and Somehow ended up back in my hands, so to speak.

How nice is that?

I’m lucky in that I have good friends and family, and when things piled up, I did a couple of things right – see earlier posts for some of those strategies. You might have wondered why I developed such an interest in various self-help topics – now you do.

And I am very happy and grateful to see that I have lost nothing and perhaps gained much, especially in terms of self-knowledge and life-lessons.

I have seen several indicators that things are turning around. I laughed harder today than I have in a long time. I’m finding it easier to concentrate on my work. Some nice interpersonal things have happened.

This morning, however, a bird pooped on my head.

Yes, you read that right: a bird pooped on my head.

Fortunately it was only a little, birdie-sized poop. It cleaned up fairly easily. I wasn’t very happy about it – just when things were turning around, excrement from the sky - but everyone I talked to said that it was good luck. I don’t know if that’s true, but I bought a lottery ticket (a rarity for me) just in case.

I did a little checking on the internet – Google is your friend – and found that there is widespread belief in the idea. Birds bring “good news and opportunities” according to one site – I’ll take those.

A New Zealand man bought a lottery ticket immediately after being pooped on and won $100,000, and swears there is a connection - that sounds good too.  The two lottery tickets I got were for $17 million and $50 million.  

Yes, I realize that it’s superstition, but seeing as things are looking up in general, I’ll lump it in with the other good indicators – why not? It makes me feel good.

There were times – often, actually - over the last six or eight months when I prayed, usually some variation on, “Please . . .” But now that everything is improving, inside and out, with some difficult situations seemingly resolving themselves, I have only one prayer, like a sailor who’s made it through a hurrican and at last sees the sun breaking through a low bank of clouds, a very short one, but I make it with my whole heart:

“Thank-you, Lord, just . . . thank-you.”

Lessons Learned or Confirmed

This is perhaps my fifth attempt to write this post – maybe this time . . .

When I started this blog, I wanted to write about things that are important to me and hopefully of interest to others. Along the way, I’ve gotten into some deep issues and sometimese revealed personal details if they were useful.

But there are boundaries to be observed on blogs: a) don’t write about your workplace - fellow workers, not to mention employers, might not appreciate it, b) do not reveal the personal details of others without their permission, c) try not to embarrass yourself – it can happen so easily, anyway, even without your doing it on purpose, d) speak no ill of the dead . . .

You get the idea.

Nudging, but hopefully not crossing the above boundaries, I will reveal that this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, Murphy’s law all the way which, for anyone who has forgotten, is “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong and at the least convenient moment.” It sounds funny, but not when you realize that you’re living it.

It wasn’t any one thing – that would have been too easy – it was thing after thing after thing. To go into the details would cross all of the boundaries I listed above plus a few others, but there is one aspect of this that I can post about: some of the things I’ve learned.

Before anyone gets too concerned, everything appears to be working out just fine – fingers crossed on a few of them, but it all looks good - and I feel much better, just a little tired.

So without further ado, here is a list of things learned and confirmed, sometimes the hard way.

1. Diet is important. When you get stressed and depressed, there is a tendency – that’s an understatement - to reach for comfort food. Personally, I like ice-cream.

And as God is my witness, the ice-cream truck turned in my street as I typed that – they know! The music he plays over the speakers on his truck soound sooooooo friendly, innocent and inviting. 

And now he’s sitting at the end of my driveway.

Palma virtuti! – that’s the family motto which, for this occasion, I will loosely translate as, “Be strong, Palmer!”

Okay, this is in danger of turning into a one topic blog: food in times of stress and distress. I guess I’ll have to get that out of my system.

Back to the ice-cream . . .

People are coming from the houses across the street to buy ice-cream. The music is still playing.

I WANT some! Make mine a soft ice-cream: vanilla with peanuts and chocolate dip – make that a medium . . . no, make it a fond glance and a heavy sigh.

I gained forty pounds in the past six or eight months , and I’ve only lost two of them so far. No ice-cream for me.

Back to food in times of stress and distress. . .

Salads take time to prepare, but they’re full of vitamins, and stress gobbles micro-nutrients up like candy. It’s so easy to let salads slide, but don’t or you’ll fill up on simple carbs and . . . ice-cream? (Finally, that stupid  truck is moving on.)

Too much sugar is a stressor in itself, and stress eats up your B vitamins faster than you can pump them in – supplement!

I started making better food choices this week – back to the Paleo diet. Just in time, too.

Okay, that’s enough on food. Back to lessons learned or confirmed. I’ll handle the others more economically, I promise.

2. Friends are precious – too many reasons to list. If I get started, I’ll have to give them more space than ice-cream.

3. Listen to your angels. Do you remember an earlier post entitled “Thanks, Angel”, about a woman I know who got me thinking about what I was wearing and what it represented? There were others – many, in fact. I started watching for them, and they turned up in droves (human “angels” that is – your humble scribe has not visited madness or attained sainthood). Interestingly, a Chinese woman whoom I had uttered not ten words to, blurted out, “You singer! Why you know sing?” She sounded indignant, as if she could not fathom my stupidity, but she had no way of knowing that I was a musician who hadn’t made much music for a while, and needed to – it really helped. Our human angels don’t always bring us good news or offer consolation – they are not always favorably inclined to us, but even your “enemies” can supply needed pieces of the puzzle, so to speak.

4. Find “me time” to do the things you love: they are restorative.

5. Meditate: it’s calming. Sometimes, the biggest problem is that there are two many problems, and you end up chasing your own tail. You overthink things. Remember the musical “Stop the World: I want to Get Off”? Meditation will do it long enough for you to get some perspective.

6. It’s corny, but helpful: count your blessings. Someone called it adopting “an attitude of gratitude”. There is always something to be grateful for, and focusing on that can improve your mood, giving you strength for the things that you are not so grateful for.  

7. Pray . . .

8. . . . often.

In an earlier post, I quoted someone who said, “God answers every prayer; sometimes the answer is, ‘No’.” But there is one prayer that I am certain God will always answer - some variation on the following - and the answer will always be yes:

Lord, I’m having a hard time with this one, and I really want to get it right. Will You please help me with it? I trust You completely. Let me know Your will for me, and help me find the strength to follow it. If You will, I promise that I will, too.

And watch it on the ice-cream.

How Old Am I?

I just spent the morning teaching, and I think I heard every excuse possible for why a student was absent, or late, or didn’t turn an assignment in. The only one that I did not hear was any variation on, “It’s my fault.”

Back when I was studying music in university, our conducting teacher, who was a well-known conductor, said something I will never forget: If you are conducting a performance and it goes badly, go home and ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

The class was surprised. Some were offended. They had been the best musicians in their high schools. How could they do anything wrong? They were pros, or at least they would be. If their players wouldn’t learn their notes properly, how was that their fault?

He explained:

You are the ones who audition the players, train them, choose the music, rehearse it . . . you have more control over what happens than anyone else there. If something goes wrong and you’re looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror. 

Ouch!

As in making music, so in making . . . life.

When we find ourselves in crisis or failure, we should ask ourselves, “What did I do to produce this situation?”

No paragorn of responsibility, I will confess that it is not always the first thing that I think of, but I do get around to it eventually, and the bigger the disaster, the more time I spend on it.

Usually it helps.

I can’t fix anything if I don’t know what’s broken, and if it’s something I’ve done, I am powerless to do anything about it unless I can see what it is, which in turn will not happen if I don’t look for it.

I remember a class discussion we once had: when does a person become an adult. Eventually, we decided that it didn’t necessarily have anything to do with chronological age.

Here is the definition I favour: A person becomes an adult when they take responsibility for their own actions.

By that standard, there are eighty year old children and eight year old adults.

I must confess, in all humility, that my own age fluctuates wildly, but sooner or later, I get around to accepting responsibility. I won’t say it always helps – most situations involve other people and they may not be asking themselves anything - but I am never sorry.

And sometimes, it is the only way to fix things.

Occasionally, it can produce what look like miracles.

What Would Jesus Say?

A comment to my last post begs the question which is the title of this post.

The gist of it was that the doctrine of original sin, which comes from the account of the Fall in Genesis, defines us as so deeply flawed that self-love seems like an impossibility.

I think that there is a danger in the studyof scripture (and anything else) of taking things too literally, which organized religion sometimes encourages us to do.

The story of the Fall in Genesis is an old folktale from a patriarchal society, so women get the worst of it. In a matriarchal society, presumbably, men would get the finger of tradition pointed and wagged at them.

I think the gender bias should be disregarded: it distracts us from the moral core of the story, which we should take as metaphor. Jesus loved a good metaphor. (And He had a pretty high opinion of women, but that’s another post . . .)

When we forsake the divine, allowing our direction to be set solely by the dictates of our own egos, seeking to aggrandize ourselves, we fall into error and shame.

That’s all the story of the Fall says to me. When I live according to my highest instincts, I am never sorry, even, ultimately, when I fail, but if I allow a less noble motivation to overrule them, I am almost always sorry, sometimes even when I “succeed”.

But “sorry” is a word and a feeling that demands a little care.

I like the way that Catholics renamed what used to be called the sacrament of Confession to the sacrament of Reconciliation – it’s a truer description of its purpose. It only begins with confession. The desired end is to heal the rift between ourselves and God, and the internal split between our hearts and our souls that we feel when we fail to do the things that we know to be right.

I remember from my Anglican upbringing the rather stark confession of, “We have done those things that we ought not to have done, and we have not done those things that we ought to have done, and there is no health in us.”

Ouch!

There’s also that old chesnut that we are like lost sheep that have gone astray. Listen to that enough times and you may feel like a dog who is getting smacked over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Yes, the formulae of confession may sound demeaning at first blush, but who of us has not, at some point, felt like a lost sheep? I know I have. What do you do then? Occasionally, I have felt so ashamed of what I have done that I could hardly stand it. At times like that, I would have gladly changed places with the above-mentioned dog.

But the confession of guilt is only the beginning of the process. It is designed to help purge us of our feelings of unworthiness, for which we need to first focus on our sins. It is a means, not an end.

We confess our sins, we atone for them, and we are absolved – which is the true end, reuniting our higher and lower selves, reconciling us with God and ourselves.

There is a prayer in the Mass that I find inspirational: I am not worthy that you [God] should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and I shall be healed. 

That we feel guilt is something we should be thankful for. The only people who don’t feel guilt are sociopaths. But guilt is a state to acknowledge and move through, not take up residence in - which is the definition of shame, something God does not want for us.

Guilt is the feeling that we did something bad. It is healthy. It motivates us to make restitution and avoid making the same mistakes over and over.

Shame is the feeling that we are bad, and that is most definitely not healthy.

The formula of confession and elements of the Church’s teaching can, if taken in isolation, re-enforce feelings of shame, but Jesus could not have wanted such a thing for us, and to reference the title of this post, would never suggest that we should suppose that God wants this for us, either. Jesus’ life and death are proof of that.

Neither Jesus nor the Father could have considered us unworthy – it is a contradiction of Jesus’ Ministry, much of which He spent with the most wretched people in his society - tax collectors, the disabled, prostitutes, and lepers - telling them that they were worthy of God’s love.

And it is inconceiveable that He would have loved us let alone died for us if He thought that we were unworthy.

It is a dangerous thing to suppose that one knows the mind of God. Evil men have done that for evil ends and foolish men have done that for foolish ends. Max von Sydow’s character in Hannah and Her Sisters said, “If Jesus came back and saw what they [television evangelists] were doing in His name, He would never stop throwing up.”

So at the risk of upsetting Jesus’ stomach, I am going to try my own hand at it:

We have a God-given soul which is created truly in His image which is perfect – perfect. When we act in harmony with it, we are in harmony with the divine, and there is no shame in us. We are creatures of exquisite beauty, just as God intended us to be.

What would Jesus say? We don’t have to guess. It is recorded in scripture: “Be perfect, even as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” He would not ask us to do that if it were impossible.

And when you fall short, acknowledge it, atone for it, and be assured of reconciliation with God.

Some religious leaders may want to put us down, but God wishes only to lift us up.

That, if nothing else, makes us worthy.

I Love You Just The Way You Are

Can there be any more beautiful words?

Is there anyone you feel that way about? Parent? Partner? Child?

How about . . . yourself?

A little experiment: find a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say this: “I live you just the way you are.” Then, say it again. And again . . .

Did you smile and walk away thinking, “Yes, I do love myself just the way I am – that’s exactly the way I feel.” If so, you’re a happy person, and probably in the minority – I’ve been doing some reading. Most people feel a little resistance to the idea.

Some people would choke on that mantra, even find themselves sitting in a puddle of tears, metaphorically or literally. Some people who have trouble believing in themselves, unable to embrace the miracle that they truly are, created in the image of God, embraced in His holy love.

Not everyone feels worthy of love. They don’t believe in themselves, feeling an overarching sense of inadequacy or even shame, usually from old childhood scripts. Shame drives addiction, aggression, perfectionism, people-pleasing, eating disorders, and dozens of other behaviors that do not serve us – and then we become ashamed about those.

But a thought came to me today: the very acts that produce shame are themselves produced by shame. It’s a vicious cycle. The only antidote is to practice self-love – not to excuse oneself from the things that we feel ashamed of but to accept oneself in spite of them.

Unworthy acts are motivated by feeling unworthy. Feeling unworthy because of them only perpetuates the cycle.

So practice a little self-love. Find yourself a mirror. Or walk those last few blocks to work thinking, “I love myself just the way I am.”

You are worthy of that love.

If you’re not willing to take my word for it, think of this: every religious tradition holds at its center the idea that God loves us.

Your humble scribe gets the odd good idea, and if you will indulge me, I think my batting average is pretty good. But God? He knows everything!